Too Mad To Speak

Without going into too much detail, my father and I spent most of my adolesence apart. I don't remember much about living with him, except small snippets...eating waffles while sitting on the heating vent to stay warm (thanks for actually bringing my plate to me, btw, dad), going to hospitals OFTEN, that time our porch was covered in earwigs, shudder, etc.

I don't remember the divorce, how I reacted, at all. So understand that I can only remember this the time I was angriest at my dad:

He went on a trip, probably a week or weekend, even, and I asked him to send me a card when he did. By the time he came back, the card hadn't shown up yet. So I asked him about it. He said it was probably still in the mail. I asked for a few weeks, and eventually he apologized, and explained it was probably lost in the mail. Actually, he never sent a card at all.

Now, I know I'm a neurotic person, and I know I linger over-much on people letting me down. I spent a lot of time as a kid, alone, or waiting for someone to come through for me, who never quite did. Probably why I hate having someone else in charge of something I care about more than do they. I would have felt so much better if he'd just admitted he never sent the card, ok? Sorry. Didn't follow through.

It's the 'oh, someday, honey', bullshit that made me frustrated, furious, and humiliated when i realized he was just placating me. Yes, when I was, like, 4, I still didn't like being placated. PLACATED is a fun word. ok.

BUT

Don't make promises you can't or don't intend to keep. Just don't.
I would rather expect NOTHING
than look like an idiot waiting around
for something that won't happen.

Don't want to do it anymore? Can't, you say?
Let me know, jerk, so i can stop waiting for you.