Shake yo Ass, But Watch Yourself...

Winter has a personal vendetta against me. (against me? for me? aaaah, grammar, you sly dog) In any case, this personal, deep hatred was further proven yesterday, on my way to the Hidden Shamrock Pub Quiz.

shuffling along the sidewalk, I came across a patch of ball bearings, marbles, and banana peels and fell so hard on my cute lil ass that I bounced. The entire corner grocery store (the owner's family all love me) came out to check on me, as well as a man cleaning off his car, three commercial airlines, and like 5 superdelegates.

I hobbled on with a sore, sore booty and headache. I slept on a heating pad, which helped a little, but farting hurts and my head still aches (from the jarring impact of ass-to-cement, NOT because it actually hit the ground) and I think I broke something.

So is there a cure for broken ass? Am I mature enough to find this serious rather than hilarious and terrible? No. No, there are ways to alleviate the pain...so here's your riddle, reader-san: How far did I get reading this passage (from an online article) before I burst into giggles? (it's best if you imagine it in a serious, serious DOCTOR voice)



....................


You may be given medication to ease the pain. To reduce discomfort during bowel movements:

Drink plenty of fluids and eat a diet rich in fruits, vegetables, and whole grains.
Stool softeners may help decrease straining during bowel movements.
Sitz baths can help relieve muscle spasms. A sitz bath involves soaking the anal area in warm tap water for 10-20 minutes.
Sitting can be very uncomfortable after a coccyx fracture. Suggestions to make sitting less painful include:

Sit on an air cushion or doughnut pad.
Alternate between sitting on one side of the buttock or the other.
Try sitting on a hard chair. Sinking into a soft chair sometimes increases the pressure on the coccyx.
Slouch to move your weight forward and off the coccyx. Note: This advice holds only until you are well enough to sit properly again.
Sit on a telephone book, with the area of the coccyx hanging off the posterior portion of the phone book.