Odin Brown

Stoppit, Odin Bakken Brown. I shall NOT have babies simply to rival your cuteness.

aaargh!!!!!


edited to add:

http://a7.vox.com/6a00e398a9bbe5000400e398abe99f0002-pi

Happiness Is

This is probably my favorite picture in the world: Ashley, me and my cousin Ali sitting on the steps (I swear, judging by the photos, I spent 90% of my childhood sitting on stairs)...me showing off a lil' crotch, Ali and Ashley smiling like nerds, and my arms bent out of their sockets hugging them both to me.

I miss Ashley so much, more than I thought possible. On TV, people die, people mourn and two weeks later it's all drained down to a dramatic pause every now and then. Or a single cleansing binge with alcohol. Or the bereaved wander about the world's rim for a bit, see a butterfly, and know all is right and good.

Butterflies are NOT that helpful in real life. Anyone who tells you differently is an insect sympathizer and should be lined up along the courtyard wall, if you follow me.



I had pasta during lunch and, while slurping, got alfredo sauce in my eye. Wearing glasses, even. All of a sudden I miss Ashley with a force I casn't describe, just thinking about how much she'd tease me for being so, so damn clumsy. I miss her when life is hard, when it's fun, and when it's rediculous. I accept the bittersweet reality that I'll miss her all my life.






"Eventually, all things merge into one, and a river runs through it. The river was cut by the world's great flood and runs over rocks from the basement of time. On some of the rocks are timeless raindrops. Under the rocks are the words, and some of the words are theirs. I am haunted by waters."

Thank you, 5 minutes

I'm uploading photos to an online database that ques each photo and reorders them before uploading, meaning that it's slow as a gin fizz. Oh oh, ah, there we are. It's stopped completely. To think. About killing all humans.

I'm going to take a five before I destroy myself/the office.

Distraction

I was going to write a blog about Ryanne's family dealing with her death, and how it triggered a lot of stuff about the infamous summer of '03, but it turns out that some things ARE too private for a blog.

Don't worry. That totally doesn't include poop or va-geen-ah stuff.

In any case, here's a quiz to prove I can still type.


1. What is the name of the best book you ever read? What is it about?

Mists of Avalon, by marion Zimner Bradley. It's about the women in the Authurian legends, and reltionships and love and religion and how each screws with the other. I find something new every time I read it. Love that book.

2. What is the name of your all time favorite TV character? What were they in and why do you like them?

Shizz....perhaps Xander from BTVS. He's the only one without mysterious origins or incredible powers, just a guy, and yet he's so extrodinary in that he takes care of himself and his loved ones with humor and not a little effort. Same, actually, for Ned Flanders. They're the normal, non-crazy ones who sometimes get ignored, but become the soul of the entire series.

3. If an actor/actress could play you in the story of your life, who would it be?

Rachel McAdams or Julianne Moore. According to Jarky, Moore is the clear frontrunner, and I'm deeply flattered by that.

4. Who would you have dinner with if you had the opportunity and what would you hope to learn from it?
A. Al Sharpton
B. Martin Luther King, Jr.
C. Malcolm X
D. Adolf Hitler

Hitler. How to influence people.

5. You have a choice to spend 2 hours with one of the following. Who is it and why?

A. Lucille Ball
B. Elenor Roosevelt
C. Paris Hilton
D. Anne Frank
E. Jude Law
F. Brad Pitt
G. Albert Einstein
H. Mel Gibson

Lucille Ball! and I'd want it all ON TAPE.

6. Who, in your life, has made you laugh more than anyone else you know or have ever known???

Robyn and Ashley. There's things that sisters can say that make you laugh in a way you simply can't with people who've known you less than 20 years.

7. If you could go away for three days---completely disappearing off the map---where would you go? What would you do when you got there?

Egypt, and ride down the river, stopping where there's no hotel in sight. Possibly make a detour to morocco and find a gin joint.

8. If you could touch (inspire/help/uplift/make better/etc.) someone's life, anybody, who would it be and why?

My dad. I'd give him back the years he lost.

9. What is worse: Making a big mistake in life, or living the rest of your life saying, "if only..." or "what if..."?

I kinda do both? But regrets are not necessarily bad...when you choose the best of two options, it doesn't actually mean that the other option wouldn't have been wonderful. The trick is to regret within reason.

10. What is the one thing you know you'll regret if you never do it and what is stopping you from doing it???

Getting published. Finishing a manuscript...and being a pussy.

11. What are your feelings about the price of freedom?

better for most is always worse for some. Ultimate freedom is harmful and too much power for people as a whole. As far as personal freedoms are concerned, worth fighting for, as long as you're aware and accepting of the terms.

12. What is your definition of success?

Living a life about which I'm proud to tell my grandchildren.

13. If you could give happiness to one person forever, who would it be and why that particular person?

My mother, because she is the strongest person I've ever met.

14. Most people believe that love and hate are polar opposites, this is not so- being fair; you have to love someone before you can hate them- with this knowledge---Which is a stronger emotion, love or fear? Why?

Love. because no one seeks out fear in their darkest hour. They want love to keep them strong.

15. Have you ever spent time in juvie, jail, or prison whether as a visitor or inmate? What did you take from that experience?

Only a psych ward, and I say totally without humor that captivity is terrifying and cruel.

16. Which of your mistakes taught you the biggest lesson of all?

Hoping other people would change.

17. If you could change one thing about your life, what would it be?

To seek out my career as a writer without worrying about money, ever.

18. What do you think is the biggest difference between men and women (without saying something ridiculous like a penis or some obvious and overdone theory on the differences between the sexes)?

Men rarely do anything that doesn't benefit them. Women rarely do anything without hoping for recognition.

19. FINISH the sentence...
"Life is short, but --better than the alternative."

Icing on the Cake

This weekend, I've broken up with my boyfriend of nearly a year and helped my friend deal with the sudden death of his 19-year-old niece. I nearly fainting giving blood and I haven't had a minute to take care of things I need to be comfortable. Today, the first time I've had free to do chores, checking my laundry, I find a note atop my dryer, where I've gathered some lint to toss out after my clothing is entirely dry (it's shedding season, and I have to clean the lint out like every 10 minutes). The note reads, in this line format:

Why is there never
a mess like this when
anyone else does laundry
?
clean up after
yourself.


I wrote back:

"if you have a problem, leave your name or come speak to me in 102.
I'm ignoring any other passive-agressive anonymous notes.

-J Brooks"


too agressive?

in all fairness, my first draft was 'Fuuuuuuck. YOOOOOOOOOU.'

Shake yo Ass, But Watch Yourself...

Winter has a personal vendetta against me. (against me? for me? aaaah, grammar, you sly dog) In any case, this personal, deep hatred was further proven yesterday, on my way to the Hidden Shamrock Pub Quiz.

shuffling along the sidewalk, I came across a patch of ball bearings, marbles, and banana peels and fell so hard on my cute lil ass that I bounced. The entire corner grocery store (the owner's family all love me) came out to check on me, as well as a man cleaning off his car, three commercial airlines, and like 5 superdelegates.

I hobbled on with a sore, sore booty and headache. I slept on a heating pad, which helped a little, but farting hurts and my head still aches (from the jarring impact of ass-to-cement, NOT because it actually hit the ground) and I think I broke something.

So is there a cure for broken ass? Am I mature enough to find this serious rather than hilarious and terrible? No. No, there are ways to alleviate the pain...so here's your riddle, reader-san: How far did I get reading this passage (from an online article) before I burst into giggles? (it's best if you imagine it in a serious, serious DOCTOR voice)



....................


You may be given medication to ease the pain. To reduce discomfort during bowel movements:

Drink plenty of fluids and eat a diet rich in fruits, vegetables, and whole grains.
Stool softeners may help decrease straining during bowel movements.
Sitz baths can help relieve muscle spasms. A sitz bath involves soaking the anal area in warm tap water for 10-20 minutes.
Sitting can be very uncomfortable after a coccyx fracture. Suggestions to make sitting less painful include:

Sit on an air cushion or doughnut pad.
Alternate between sitting on one side of the buttock or the other.
Try sitting on a hard chair. Sinking into a soft chair sometimes increases the pressure on the coccyx.
Slouch to move your weight forward and off the coccyx. Note: This advice holds only until you are well enough to sit properly again.
Sit on a telephone book, with the area of the coccyx hanging off the posterior portion of the phone book.

I am Ready for Jelly...Please?

I've had a crush on this company for years, and finally have my feet on the ground enough to try and ask it out (read: Bookstore Wage-whore is not the last thing on my resume). As any modern lady will know, nothing helps you get a date more than a date to begin with. You're approved merchandise. No worries that you're asking out the only company that you think would hire you. This metaphor is getting a bit...terrible...but you see my point.







Dear Ms. LadyIemailed:

Perhaps you are seeking an addition to your *ellyvision team. A new person can provide innovative approaches, new viewpoints on projects, and contribute to the dynamics of the company. I am hungry for a job that is challenging and demands my best performance, allows me to collaborate creatively, and fosters the desire to gain knowledge/experience in all steps of production.

Presently, I am working at *Publisher* as an image coordinator, ordering photographs and illustrations and tracking progress on publishing projects (I'd go into more detail, but I'm not allowed to delve into specifics). I've been working in a freelance capacity, and have gotten a number of compliments on my productivity and energy.

Enclosed is my resume for your review and consideration. *ellyvision has a reputation as a fantastic company and an office environment brimming with talent, humor and creativity. I would like to use my passion and energy to contribute to your products. I have several references available upon request, and I can provide you with additional materials to show I can benefit your company. If you prefer, you may reach me in the evenings at (###)-###-####, at this email, or myemailwhichImnotpullingontheblogforfearofvillans@hotmail.com.

Thank you for your time. I look forward to meeting you.

Sincerely,

Jessica (Jady) Brooks






Also, I didn't once mention how cute my puppy is (in the cover letter). I hope they can read between the lines on that one; I really meant to say "I'm a great employee...and my puppy is a snugglebunny, so I've got that going for me, right?"

In the Spirit of February

growing out my bangs (fringe for you english types). They're at the point where the control is nearly gone...from the right angle, you can nearly imagine them opening up their great jaws and gobbling up my face.

But I shall not let them best me. I shall overcome.

Monster=Hilarity

To Whom it May Concern,

The administration has chosen to take immediate, if not retaliatory action against the recent 'Grendel' situation. Despite several door refurbishments, Grendel has apparently visited a number of times after office hours, and possibly (the management cannot make further confirmations prior to court) eaten thirty men during each intrusion. As many of you have noticed, this particular fellow consumes only a portion of each victim, but nevertheless causes emotional turmoil and severe hinge and lumber damage. Therefore, we have ascertained that Grendel is, in fact, a nibbler. Those of the Caramel and Nougat lineages would do well to sleep towards the rear of the hall. We request others with less sweet, sweet blood to establish cots near the door, as a deterrent. Take one for the team, people. Rest assured, we are seeking outside assistance, but with the rash of sea monsters in the nearby strait, the contractor may be delayed up to 2 weeks.

As a final note, the weekly Dane vs. Swede Tuesday Bingo Madness will be suspended until further notice.

-Hrothgar, General Manager and Hall Administrator

I'm so sorry to post this...but I am so, so sick of talking about SNOW

Did I mention that my BuFF girl Meredith lives in Hawaii? The world's cruelty shall never end.

I am about to kill simply everyone...so I'll do a mindless quiz to take the edge off. (I did not ruin the numbering..that was someone else.)


1. Would you rather have a girlfriend/boyfriend, or friends with benefits?
FwithB never works out equally for both people involved, and I'd rather know where i stand. Boyf please.

3. How have you felt today?
I want to go home and craft.

4. When was the last time you had butterflies?
over toast, this morning.

8. When was the last time you talked to your #2?
I do not talk to pooh. Whoever told you that is a very intuitive but untrustworthy bast*rd.

9. And why might that be?
Maybe I do. I tell my puppy what a clever genius he is when HE poohs. I have pets...pooh runs my life, ok? handle it.

10. Something you say often?
"Cat!!! Dog!!!!! What is your ish? who abuses you? Oh, I do? oh god no. POOR BABIES. "

11. Have you ever cried and didn't know why?
I could always find a reason why, foo, I have ovaries.

12. What are you wearing on your feet?
nothing but a smile, baby....wait....

13. Do you tend to fall for people easily?
Meeeeeeh.

14. Do you have plans for today?
Eating, laundry, dressing in warm clothes and bundling myself onto the couch.

15. Do you like your name?
It's like angels singing.

16. What color are your fingernails?
nothing but a smile...wait...dammit!

17. What person in your family are you the most like?
My family is all types of crazy and awesome. i couldn't bear to pick just one.

18. What kind of cell phone do you have?
Red and flippy.

21. Things you first notice about the opposite sex:
Voice, hands, manners.

22. Do you cry easily?
*sob* why do you ask?

23. Last time you were disappointed?
hoping for a snow-day this morning. no such luck.

24. Do you like being in pictures?
I like good pictures of myself, of which there are few. I also hate it when someone compliments a picture of me looking terrible...like really? is that the best i ever look? oh god.

26. Are you happy at the moment?
pretty much.

27. Would you kiss the last person you kissed?
...weird question. YES.

29. Do you have any piercings?
two in each ear and a nose stud that's all grown in and a belly ring.

30. Are you comfortable with answering personal questions?
*faints*

31. Last time you fell down? Why?
never happened. I'm super graceful.

33. Who was the last person to call you?
citibank. I hate them.

34. What were you doing at 10 am?
work. also...work.

36. Last person who drove you somewhere?
Brett, who was acutely uncomfortable.

37. What do you hear right now?
air processing in the building. It's like we work under a river.

38. Who was the last person to wear your clothes?
Me, also the dog.

39. What is the first thing you did when you woke up?
hit the snooze button /genius.

40. What woke you up?
The anti-snooze alarm.

41. What was your last thought before going to sleep?
Snooze! no, actually probably something along the lines of 'that goodness I gave puppy a bath. Also, the cat has crazy amounts of body heat for a lil' guy.

42. Do you like fire?
Do you has enemy is flamable? I handles it.

43. What do you do when you had a bad day?
begrudge sharing my beauty with the world.

45. What was the last book you read?
reading His Dark Materials trilogy, nearly done.

46. Who was the last person you ran into unexpectedly?
Brian.

47. Do you have a job?
yes. But I will accept offers.

48. What was the last thing you ate?
a bagel and like 8 pounds of tea.

50. Who do you talk to the most in your classes?
Um. I USED to talk with my sister by texting. God, I hate college.

52. What's the greatest thing that happened to you today?
totally didn't die yet.

54. Would you rather get up early or sleep in?
who choses the first option, seriously?

55. Tell me about the shirt you're wearing:
black. emo-tastic, I bet.

56. What would you change about your life right now?
car, apartment i own, another pup and cat, great job, a bling ring on my fing'.

57. Would you rather smile over a lie or cry over the truth?
.........so this is a no-win thing, huh?

59. Who's the last person (other than family) you got into an argument with?
probably Jess. but I'm sure he deserved it.

60. Do you trust people?
not in groups.

61. Do you like anybody right now?
tee hee giggle.

62. Who's the last text message you received from?
That grammar is so painful, I can't even consider answering, from?

Straight Illin'

A picture of my victorious visit to Coney Island, wherein I rode the Cyclone and didn't even cry. I usually won't even consider riding a roller coaster, since 50% of the time they clip off your legs and smoosh your organs and ruin your credit rating. During my stay in NYC, however, I was dating a man who convinced me to try out the Cyclone, explaining that as a wooden roller coaster, it gave more and cushioned the car a bit, rather than jangling like a metal track. After two plastic mermaids full of pina colada, I agreed to try it. We rode the bastard twice(I decided that the first time, which my eyes squeezed shut and hands clinging to the car, didn't quite count), and the entire city of New York was very very impressed by my courage.

It's occurred to me that most of the important steps I've taken in my life have been motivated by my relationships; I moved to Chicago for an x, I moved to England to prove a point, I came home early for my sister, and so on. In fact, my biggest struggle has been doing things for myself, when it feels so much more validated to take care of someone else. That's not to say that I'm unconditionally generous, but as far as my loved ones are concerned, I'll do nearly anything to make their lives better.

Hmm. Maybe that's why I dislike strangers so much. The scale's tipped WAY out of their favor.