O.K.

I have a temp job as of this morning at 9am, prepping tickets and ribbons and whatnot for a conference. Did you know that temps are regarded as slow to learn? My goodness, the stand-up material. The stand-up material indeed.

I'm dating Pad, and trying very VERY hard to be calm and not worry so much. The fact is, part of me wants to be with him ALL THE TIME FOREVER WITH KISSES AND HUGS AND CONSTANT VERBAL DECLARATIONS OF AFFECTION. That part of me is shockingly resilient. If only I could focus as well on, say, writing or exercising or learning Spanish or setting up an online shop for my art or training my puppy or repairing my relationship with my brain and heart and possibly ruby slippers.

The other part of me is bored with myself and slightly jealous of his friends and everyone else around my age. They seem to have such a good damn time. I want a good damn time. I want a good damn focused and yet openly adoring my boyfriend time wherein I never worry and when something goes wrong, my first instinct is NOT to be disgusted with myself. (Being narcissistic would be fun, if only for a while. I envy people who just LOVE themselves, no matter what. They seem to have more friends and less worries. Sure, go on, tell me it's not true. I can offer several well-studied examples.)

And a small part of me wishes Pad were in awe of me. He's smart and talented and handsome and so, so much more secure than I, and dammit people like him. I'm awash in stories I can't finish and worries logic can't touch.


*sigh*





remember when I explained the Buddhist principle of accepting the bad parts of life, rather than avoiding them? 'Eat the cold'?

well, turns out there's a Cantonese saying, "you must eat the cold porridge"- to truly master anything, you must work hard when others are playing, work longer, so when you're done and return home there's nothing to eat but cold porridge. Or, in relative, high-school-soccer terms, 'you must miss an episode or two of Buffy'.

I was the captain of the varsity team with a busted ankle, Negative Side. I graduated early, with honors, from the unfunnest college situation ever. I'll eat frozen fucking oatmeal until I pwn you, biotch. You better watch your back.










p.s. GIRLTIME: did I mention I'm dating Pad??? Isn't he just the cutest thing? OMGILH Srsly!1!1! k bai!!!!

Sand

I've spent a lot of time complaining on this blog, and for that....sorry, y'all. I realize that, now and then, people get quite worried about me. Mostly because when things are going well, I don't write much.

So....

Jobs hunting sucks, but going fine. Interview tomorrow.

Seeing more of Pad. Playing it cool, but fuck it....I'm really excited and I'm hoping for the ultimate best best BEST my god he's so cute ever. I would happily keep sweet tea in my house for the rest of my years if it made him happier.

Puppy and kittzen are angels. Furry, heat-emitting angels. Turning up the AC on the way to bed doesn't quite safeguard against WARM FUZZY CREATURES who simply MUST sleep atop me.

my apartment is cleaner. It's a slow process if I actually keep it up every day...that is, don't dirty up one side of the apartment whilst cleaning the other side. My bedroom is clean. I refuse to let it fall into dis-clean-ness.


Stopped talking to Crowley (fake name...I'm reading Good Omens, ok? sue me) for a while. Turns out I can't handle it. For a number of reasons, but surprisingly...I'm really pissed. God DAMN how I wish I could have a baby right now. I wish a baby was even conceivable (ha) right now. Wish I had the job, relationship, and physical health to even have the option. So...yeah. Can't be supportive right now. Selfish, but true.

Silver Lining

*sigh* Nerds.

Rain

let's describe.



stomach is tight
and drinking water
is like passing clay
through cheesecloth
legs are dry
feet are sore
one sore heel keeps cracking open

neck houses a
metal, rusted thing tearing
my throat to tatters
eyes are common red
lips are licked dry
skin is thin in places too near
skin is thick where I have been hurt
and I have trod

sonorous core
the loud and frightened leader
heart or head
takes me to hear the thunder
outside the window
in my bed

Full Disclosure

Alan broke up with me for a number of reasons, but I think his biggest problem was my honesty. I think that's David's (my stepdad) biggest issue with me too. Mostly because my honesty includes telling people that when they're impolite, it makes me want to kill them. Or, say, when we have a 20 minute conversation and they can't remember my name at the end (god forbid they have the manners to ask) I'll call it out.

Or, for example, when I would rather hang out withOUT giving someone free sex, and they subsequently cancel plans to hang out at all, I calls it like I sees it: Asshole. Incredibly thoughtess and pigheaded.

On the other hand, can I give a big shout-out to Rebecca Grossman, who took the time to text me on June 3rd and led her support. Thank you, honey.


so yeah, honesty. It doesn't suck.

Mellow Yellow

The Children's Crusade (a brief explanation):

"A boy began preaching in either France or Germany claiming that he had been visited by Jesus and told to lead a Crusade to peacefully convert Muslims to Christianity. Through a series of supposed portents and miracles he gained a considerable following, including possibly as many as 20,000 children. He led his followers southwards towards the Mediterranean Sea, where it is said he believed that the sea would part when he arrived, so that he and his followers could march to Jerusalem, but this did not happen. Two merchants gave passage on boats to as many of the children as would fit. The children were either taken to Tunisia and sold into slavery, or died in a shipwreck on San Pietro Island (off Sardinia) during a gale. "



Lessons learned?

1. Never have stupid children, particularly if you live in Europe.

2. Gales are jerks.

3. Peaceful conversion and matching masses never result in goodness.




also something funny to think about when I'm ovulating. Ah, humans. foolish, foolish humans.

Sleepy Blue

Depression is an annoying disease. Other people get crazy-powers such as loving themselves forever no matter what! Or having a fun imaginary friend! Or being supergood at math!

I get to be tired TIRED tired constantly. Bah.

Off to sleep for another ten damn hours.

I'm taking a break from *ahem* NOT writing to work on my latest, a story tentatively titled 'Kept'. Consider it a response to The Collector although I have no idea how it ends.

I may watch my huge block of J-pop horror movies this afternoon...but sick as this girl is, I probably won't write about any of the major j-topics...incest, castration, torture (well, not in graphic detail, I tend to believe that less is more in terms of unsettling the reader), mass suicide on a train platform, etc.

*sigh* How the hell will I ever convince my kids that scary movies aren't worth sneaking into? They so, so are.

Ahem, boys?

The evidence is really stacking up, secret LOVERS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Wishbone Vs. Backbone

Time and I have never gotten along. My memory is spotty, I have no internal clock, I can worry myself into such a frenzy that 5 minutes stretch on for hours.

Dr.G explained that I have a habit (extrordinary talent, more like!!! GO TEAM CRAZY!!!) of fixating on details SO SOOOO much that something inconsequential becomes hugely important:

That guy who sneered at me on the train platform? Ohmygod, he must know I'm having trouble finding a job because I look unhireable and also I'm fat and stupid and my shirt looks ugly and now he's thinking that even if I cleaned up my best looking look wouldn't even be good enough because the best me ever is still a terrible terrible person ohgodwhy but he's totally right and if he can see that so can everyone else all my friends are faking it because they feel too bad to call me out and tell me just how horrible I am what am I saying they don't care about hurting my feelings they just don't even have the effort to give me a hint because they don't really care what i do etc.

seriously.

It's fun inside here, in Jady-Brain. Whee.

So I'm trying very hard to assume that I'm not the worst person ever...nor the least important, nor any other title. In fact, it'd be best to just bust my booty finding a new job, and not consider how people view me at all. My good friends/family is being very helpful when I have an outburst of worry, in their own awesome ways.

Padraic is helping in the only way he knows how:



And I'm not going to judge myself for giggling at this very picture for, like, 20 minutes.