O.K.

I have a temp job as of this morning at 9am, prepping tickets and ribbons and whatnot for a conference. Did you know that temps are regarded as slow to learn? My goodness, the stand-up material. The stand-up material indeed.

I'm dating Pad, and trying very VERY hard to be calm and not worry so much. The fact is, part of me wants to be with him ALL THE TIME FOREVER WITH KISSES AND HUGS AND CONSTANT VERBAL DECLARATIONS OF AFFECTION. That part of me is shockingly resilient. If only I could focus as well on, say, writing or exercising or learning Spanish or setting up an online shop for my art or training my puppy or repairing my relationship with my brain and heart and possibly ruby slippers.

The other part of me is bored with myself and slightly jealous of his friends and everyone else around my age. They seem to have such a good damn time. I want a good damn time. I want a good damn focused and yet openly adoring my boyfriend time wherein I never worry and when something goes wrong, my first instinct is NOT to be disgusted with myself. (Being narcissistic would be fun, if only for a while. I envy people who just LOVE themselves, no matter what. They seem to have more friends and less worries. Sure, go on, tell me it's not true. I can offer several well-studied examples.)

And a small part of me wishes Pad were in awe of me. He's smart and talented and handsome and so, so much more secure than I, and dammit people like him. I'm awash in stories I can't finish and worries logic can't touch.


*sigh*





remember when I explained the Buddhist principle of accepting the bad parts of life, rather than avoiding them? 'Eat the cold'?

well, turns out there's a Cantonese saying, "you must eat the cold porridge"- to truly master anything, you must work hard when others are playing, work longer, so when you're done and return home there's nothing to eat but cold porridge. Or, in relative, high-school-soccer terms, 'you must miss an episode or two of Buffy'.

I was the captain of the varsity team with a busted ankle, Negative Side. I graduated early, with honors, from the unfunnest college situation ever. I'll eat frozen fucking oatmeal until I pwn you, biotch. You better watch your back.










p.s. GIRLTIME: did I mention I'm dating Pad??? Isn't he just the cutest thing? OMGILH Srsly!1!1! k bai!!!!